Brazilian etiquette for Americans

Greetings, and how close people stand

Women greet with a kiss on the cheek. In practice you touch cheeks and make the sound; nobody actually kisses anybody. Women do this with women and with men. Two men shake hands, usually with a clasp on the shoulder or a pat on the back, and close friends hug outright.

The number of cheek kisses varies by region, and you do not need to solve it in advance. The other person steers, you follow, and if you come in for a second one when they were done it is a two-second joke and nothing more.

The part Americans actually get wrong is not the kiss. It is completeness. You greet every person in the room when you arrive, individually, including people you were not introduced to. And you say goodbye to every person before you leave. Slipping out quietly so as not to interrupt anything is considerate at home. Here it reads as rude, and people will ask where you went.

Expect to be stood closer to than you are used to, and expect a hand on your forearm while someone is talking to you. That is ordinary here and means nothing beyond friendliness. Stepping back from it reads as coldness, which is the opposite of what you meant.

Time runs on two clocks

Social time is elastic. A 7pm dinner at someone’s house means arriving between 7:30 and 8. Turning up at 7:00 sharp can catch your host in the shower. A party start time is closer to a suggestion.

Commercial time is not. Your tour pickup, your transfer, the boat, the reservation, the doctor and the long-distance bus all run on the clock. Do not import the social clock into the thing you paid for. This is the single misunderstanding I see cost Americans a morning.

When someone says daqui a pouco (in a little while) or já vou (I’m on my way), the elasticity is real. Build slack into a day instead of assuming a schedule will hold, and you will enjoy the trip considerably more.

The bill

The default is rachar a conta, splitting the total evenly, rather than working out who had the second beer. Pulling out a phone calculator to itemize reads as small. If one person’s meal was much bigger, they will usually offer to cover the difference themselves.

Most restaurants add a service charge at the bottom of the bill. Paying it is the norm and declining it is unusual. The number is worth checking before you travel rather than taking mine.

Cards are accepted almost everywhere, and splitting one bill across four cards is completely normal. The waiter will not sigh at you. Pix, the instant transfer system everyone here uses, is how Brazilians settle up with each other, and as a visitor you probably will not have it.

One thing to listen for: if a Brazilian says eu te convido, they may mean they are paying. And if you did the inviting, be ready to.

How directness lands

Americans think of themselves as friendly, and think of getting to the point as honest. Here the order is reversed: warmth first, business second. Walking up to a hotel desk and opening with the problem, no greeting, reads as cold even when every word you said was polite.

Brazilians also avoid a flat no. Vou ver, depois a gente vê, vamos marcar often mean no, or mean that nothing is going to happen unless you follow up. This is not deception, it is a softer register, and the practical move is to take the following up onto yourself rather than waiting.

Complaints work the same way. Deliver one warmly, with a greeting and a smile, and it tends to get fixed. Deliver it the way you would at home and you get formal politeness and nothing else.

In the other direction, expect questions Americans consider private: what you paid for your apartment, what you earn, whether you have kids and why not, and frank commentary on your appearance. It is not aggression and it is not a setup. It is closeness offered early.

What to wear

Brazilians are put together. Clean, fitted, pressed, decent shoes. You do not need to be fashionable, you need to look like you got dressed on purpose.

Beachwear stays at the beach. A bikini or a sunga is completely normal on the sand and out of place walking into a shop across the street. Throw something on to cross the road. No shirtless anywhere with a floor.

Havaianas are ordinary daytime footwear and wrong for a nice restaurant at night. São Paulo dresses more formally than Rio; Floripa is casual.

The outfit that marks you instantly: zip-off pants, oversized white sneakers, a technical fishing shirt, and a money belt worn outside your clothes. None of it is necessary. Jeans and a plain shirt work in every situation this trip will put you in.

The things that read as cold without meaning to

• Ordering without greeting the person first
• Leaving a gathering without saying goodbye to each person
• Turning down the coffee or food offered to you in someone’s home. Take a little even if you do not want it
• Opening a conversation with crime, danger or favelas
• Backing away from someone standing close to you
• Asking to split the check by item
• Being visibly anxious about the time in a social setting
• Comparing everything out loud to how it works at home
• Snapping fingers at a waiter. Raise a hand, or say por favor
• Talking loudly in English on the assumption nobody understands you

None of this is a test, and Brazilians are extremely forgiving of foreigners who are clearly trying. That is the point. The bar is low and the return is enormous, so clear it.